What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
