Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
