so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
