Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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