Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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