Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
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It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
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SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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