Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
