hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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