I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
