Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
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He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
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the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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