If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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