I faked an abortion last night.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
