is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He felt like a one man threesome
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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