I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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