I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
