don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
