Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
