i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
