I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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