Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
