how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
