Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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