your parents love me but you hate me
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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