I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
