you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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