This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
