Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
