I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
