Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
