My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
