I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
