I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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