pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
