I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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