Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
