Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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