Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
