Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
