I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
