His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
