It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We had sex on a dog bed..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
