only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
