Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
