You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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