I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
