Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
