I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
this hospital has no fireball
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
