4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We're too hungover to prance.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
