Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
