My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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