no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
