Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
