I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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