I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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