i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
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